Frustrated?

I think that's the right word for right now...or maybe just overly-worked-anxious-psycho-bitch? that might work, too

I just feel very...I dunno...it's definitely not happy and relaxed, I can tell you that much :-p work is seriously starting to piss me off...I haven't had a vacation in over a year, and people are reeeeaaallly starting to irritate me...plus, this whole working 2 FTP's in 1 FTP time span really isn't working for me right now...and there's so much I have to get done in the (less than) 5 weeks before I take my three weeks off, that I can't even make myself start on it, it's just so daunting and overwhelming and depressing...and being essentially alone in the department for three weeks doesn't help with the negative work feelings, either :-p

(warning: geek mode) and I'm getting overly worked up about some of the stuff going on with my guild in WoW...we haven't been able to really string together a solid full raid, people are badgering me about gear (which, no matter how light-hearted it may be, just really pisses me off), and I'm going to have to not play consistently or raid for really the next six weeks, which is the last thing the guild needs right now...sigh

(end geek mode) and I'm not sure how I feel about the jaycees...on it's own, I think it's a great organization with a lot of merit, but I don't know if it's really right for me...it's very "professional" oriented, and I was really looking for something more "service" oriented in a community organization...I love that it's with people my age, but it kind of defeats the purpose if I don't want to do over half the activities because they just aren't my thing...but I'm still a board member until january...and granted, I've been given a pardon for being MIA until after the wedding, but I'm not even really all that excited about getting re-involved for the two months left in the year...I'm planning on staying a member, just because it fulfills a portion of my job description at work, but I definitely am not going to be a board member next year...just have to tell the president that now...

what I really want to do is something more meaningful, something less "me" focused...a lot of the stuff with the jaycees revolves around individual and professional development, which is not me at all...I'm actually going to have to check out the young adult ministry at church...I've only seen it around the last month or so, and it's kept distinct from youth ministry, so I'm reeeaaallly hoping it's for people my age, and that they're involved in service projects and stuff...I know a group from the young adult ministry just came back from a three-week trip to honduras, so that's a positive sign...or even if I could get more involved with the ND Club of OC and some of the service projects they do...just something to make me feel like I do more than work, eat, sleep and work out :-p

speaking of working out...I need to do that more :-p but I've started to get back on track this week, so hopefully I can keep this momentum up

and I'm having some weird irrational fears about the wedding...well, ok, not about the wedding (which I can't WAIT for), but about unintended consequences of the wedding, mostly with having to do with how much freaking time it takes to put one of these dog and pony shows on (if only I COULD have dogs and ponies at the wedding...) :-p I just feel so bad about not being able to fulfill my commitments to the jaycees, or my guild in WoW, and about the fact that I'm leaving work for three weeks at really one of the worst possible times...like the wedding taking me away from the normal things in my life is going to make the normal things in life think less of me, or be mad at me...which I know is silly, because everyone at least says they totally understand and are excited for me and can't wait until I can come back...but I still can't help but feel like I'm letting a whole bunch of people down...which is not a feeling I like AT ALL...it's probably one of my biggest fears, if not the biggest...not so much a fear of failure, but a fear of not living up to expectations, or disappointing someone, or not fulfilling my commitments...which I guess *can* happen if you fail at something, but failing doesn't necessarily lead to letting someone down, either

grrr, I'm sooooo freaking excited about my wedding and getting married, but I really just want it to be here and be done so I can get back to my "normal" life :-p

but, in the meantime...I get to get worked up over a whole bunch of crap and drive myself insane in the process

I need more friend my age here :-(